GUEST POST #3: Kallim “The Dream” Stewart’s take on this team

Hey everyone. First, I sincerely apologize for no blogs or tweets today. To be honest, it’s been a slow day and a day that we all needed to “recharge our batteries” as Coach Martin always says. I have pretty much locked myself in my room doing homework (crazy to think that we are still in school amongst this excitement!), Grant has passed out on the bed behind me, and most of the guys doing one or both of those options. In the meantime, the comedian known as Kallim has shared another one of his infamous blogs about our team this year and the upcoming match. Tonight, after we go to dinner, I’ll sit down with our Director of Operations and the legend Grant Chen and ask him a few questions about his experience going into this pivotal Quarterfinal match. GO BRUINS!

Hi everyone!

With the “guest blog” tearing up the airwaves, and more people using my Tennessee coaching staff joke than views to this popular youtube video ( I have felt pretty much like the world’s most interesting man ( Needless to say, my reputation is seemingly expanding faster than the universe. And of course, to my readers, I thank you. You are truly larger than life! ( )

With the Stanford match behind us, we’ve attempted to move forward and focus on the next match. Even though we had a very good win, the tournament is far from over and we must be ready to face the top-ranked Virginia Cavaliers. Today is a day-off before our encounter and therefore, I thought it would be a perfect time to address the theme of “preparation”.

Now every player has his or her own idiosyncratic methods of getting prepared for a match. On one extreme, you have basketball star Allen Iverson who chooses to forgo practice: . Other people, like Turkey’s Michael Jordan aka Hedo Turkoglu, like to eat junk food and prove that health food isn’t necessary when attempting to make a ball through a cylindrical object. ( ) Still others, like this football player, simply need someone to press the right buttons (warning: this video is not for the faint of heart… it is also why I don’t play football…

On our team, we don’t have any players who have weird rituals per se but they are interesting. Holden, for example, will attempt to read 60 pages of political science material in approximately 4 and a half hours (part of his plan to “get really smart”), then proceed to do 25 push-ups (part of his plan to “get really strong”) and then listen to the “Stairway to Heaven of electronic music ( at a decibel level that could probably be heard two continental states away (presumably to get really deaf?!). This probably explains why during our team meetings Billy needs to say everything twice to him since all the loud music is causing a Beethoven-like effect to Holden’s ears. (Note: Billy normally has to say things twice also to Max but this is because Max is French and doesn’t really understand the first time around).

Amit also has a signature warm-up, which can best be described as a cross between the hula-hoop and the stanky legg (which is a dance move in which you try to wake your leg up from a coma) with both legs. Here is the video of the song…. ( ) while Matt can probably be found listening to the warm-up CD that his girl SW made him (this cd probably features the future #1 song of the summer … )

Nick, Max, and Abid are pretty chill (aka normal), while Alex is probably reading on investment bankers/ getting more ripped than Batman in his batsuit so he can drop dimes to anyone within hearing distance. This nugget was taken from a little while ago:

AB (to kj and others) “Did you know that Bill Gates chose his wife based on an SAT score?

KJ- (feigning interest) “Really?! No I didn’t”

AB- Yeah he did. My father told me he read that

KJ- (interested… kinda) Wow. Cool man!

My warm-up consists of attempting to get about 16 hours of sleep the night before a match. Unfortunately, Billy always insists on me joining the team for breakfast at a very early hour (and in the process waking me up from my glorious sleep). If only he knew how important sleeping really was: ( )

Anyways, in addition to preparation, which is extremely important, I’ve started to think about what would happen if our team story got turned into a movie, probably because the last two nights “Coach Carter” (aka “winning isn’t everything… going to college is”) and “Remember the Titans” (aka “Left side… Strong Side!”) were showing at our hotel room). After a little violin playing and pacing around the room a la a famous detective, here’s what I came up with:

We, the UCLA Men’s Tennis Team are a Fellowship. A group of people, comprising many different origins, that have all come together with one common goal: we are attempting to win a National Championship ring! (Spoiler alert: if you can guess which movie I am basing this off of, I will say that right now in our journey, we are probably about half way through the “Return of the King” which is more like ¾ of the way through if you don’t count all the fake endings which I will spare since I’m not going to go on and on about life after the NCAA tournament. Regardless, the difficult part is still ahead!) If you haven’t already guessed which movie (or movies) I am referring to by now, then I recommend you go to your neighborhood movie store (if any still exist…) and check out this epic trilogy! )

Cast listing:

In the fellowship that is the UCLA Men’s Tennis Team:

Nick Meister is Frodo since he is faced with the unenviable burden of destroying the ring/playing number 1 singles and doubles. Also, he’s always focused on the one goal (getting the ring…. /destroying the ring-Frodo… )

Likewise, his companion (Samwise Gamgee) – is the equally sized- Max Tabatruong ( since he’s the best friend of everyone and is essentially the rock who keeps Nick (and everyone else) cool.

Amit ( ) is Legolas (  since he’s so good-looking and has that beautiful accent.

Matt ( ) is Gimli ( (not because he’s unattractive… he’s actually good looking and very fashionable!!!!) but simply because he and Amit are always involved in some friendly bickering.  (Note: these two are interchangeable)

Evan Teufel, Jeff Gast, Jake Fleming, and Evan Lee get sandwiched into Merry and Pippen because they just want to have fun but in the end their support and friendship is very integral to the fellowship.

Holden ( ) is Boromir ( because he represents a formidable warrior who is honorable and noble but is sometimes led astray by the power of the ring (read: playing Music and all other distractions). In the end, however, he is completely on the side of the fellowship (when it counts!).

Abid ( is the Ent-tree ( because he’s so old and wise and chill.

Alex Brigham ( is a good orc (Note: there are no good orcs in the movie but there are in my revised edition!)

Kris Kwinta ( ) is Aragorn aka Strider ( since he’s got the ability to bridge the coaching/playing world (bridge the elf/human world) and his heritage means that he is heir to the throne of Gondor (city of men). Furthermore, Kwintus is an obvious Aragorn since he has the hot girlfriend (hi Shilpa!) and is also in charge of leading the Fellowship.

Glenn Toth (…if he is reading this hello “The Man!”… is Elrond the Elf King ( since he is in charge of organizing the fellowship. He actually looks like Elrond as well.

Steve Agee our trainer ( is Theoden or the King in “The Two Towers” ( It is debatable whether or not he represents Theoden when he was mean and evil (under Saruman’s power) or Theoden when he is just and defends Isengard. Nevertheless, he is aptly described because he protects the fellowship but only after making them feel bad for being injured in the first place (which isn’t bad! Hopefully we’re all healthy!)

Of course, Coach Billy Martin ( is the all-powerful Gandalf ( since he’s supervising the entire fellowship! (This is a compliment Coach!)

Brian, our trainer, would be one of the warrior elves or the riders of rohan simply because he’s probably the chillest person known to man-kind.

Grant Chen is Peter Jackson as he is behind the scenes of this epic journey. Also, Saruman represents our next opponent and the evil Sauron represents all the imposters who attempt to dissuade us from our goal of national championship! There aren’t a tremendous amount of women in LOTR but the several beautiful women would be represented by my second favorite women’s team in the country (behind UCLA of course!). If you don’t know who they are, I recommend checking out pt. 1 and 2 of the guest blog posts. I, of course, am J.R.R. Tolkien!

In the last two blogs, I’ve promised that I will reveal my favorite television show but now that I am at the moment of truth I will instead simply leave you with a tantalizing teaser. Hint: the first season just ended.

We had a good morning of practice and a good relaxing afternoon until it’s gametime tomorrow.

Go Bruins!

Peace to all!

Explore posts in the same categories: Miscelleneous

3 Comments on “GUEST POST #3: Kallim “The Dream” Stewart’s take on this team”

  1. Z Says:


    I work as an agent for aspiring comedians and while I was scouring the web looking at various blogs I came across this one. I’d just like to say that Mr. Stewart has a unique brand of comedy that we rarely see in this day and age. I’m leaving this comment to inform “The Dream” that I will be contacting you upon your arrival back to LA and offering you a very substantial contract to work as a comedian in LA. Lets just say it’ll make your decision about pro tennis a lot easier.



  2. Emily W. Says:

    Any time someone mentions LOTR as a reference, it gets an automatic two thumbs-up from me! Great movie reference! I laughed so much while reading this and you know, all the character references really make sense! Good job!

    Definitely great read, always looking for more of these posts! Keep them coming!

    Last but not least, GOOD LUCK! 🙂 Go kick some butt out there! GO BRUINS! 🙂

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