EXCLUSIVE: Guest post with Kallim “The Dream” Stewart

Kallim is a Senior experiencing his first NCAA Round of 16 match and tournament and has offered his own thoughts and hilarious happenings of the last week as well as his opinions for tomorrow’s match. If you find Kallim’s jokes funny, then thank me for encouraging me to post his jokes and if you don’t like them, then blame him. Anyway, thanks for reading! I’ll blog tomorrow morning as a “pre-match” blog before the big 12pm start.

Hello All!

Barry has been kind enough to allow me a guest feature in order to introduce all the Bruin fans and racketeers around the world to our preparation for the 2010 NCAA Championships in Athens, Georgia. He was actually quite receptive to my idea since I convinced him I would share various jokes, anecdotes, youtube clips, and nuggets of information which would make your reading experience entertaining as well as enlightening (example: Chipotle is currently independently owned but used to be owned by the evil Mickey D’s). This tidbit of trivia will allow you to seem intelligent and wise when you are with your company downing your next “heaven (aka too much rice) in a burrito!”

Anyways, this last week has been exciting since it’s the preparation for the biggest tournament of the year for College Tennis. The top 16 mens and womens teams go to Athens, Georgia where they compete for a chance to win the NCAA championship! (*nugget which everyone probably knew: Athens is named after Athena, Greek goddess of wisdom and courage. Nugget which they didn’t know: Athens, Georgia is home to the band which made “Losing my Religion” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if-UzXIQ5vw , the B-52’s, and Kim Bassinger!)

Athens is a very nice college town and I would love to tell you where we are staying but I can’t disclose our current hotel location simply because it would cause mass hysteria the likes of which have not been seen in maybe forty years: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feIC5EM8GZk )

The NCAA’s is very important and we’ve had several days of good practice mainly due to Coach Billy Martin’s insistence on our staying to a strict time-table schedule and my daily attempts at humor. Billy’s attempts to make sure we are focused and ready has culminated in the creation of a “coaches fund” in which anyone arriving more than five minutes late to a team meal or practice has to contribute 5 dollars of per diem money to the “beverages- for- coaches- to- be- used –after- NCAA’s- are- over- fund” (or the BFCTBUANAO Fund) which presumably is for “Billy, Kris (our assistant coach and match-clinching winner for the 2005 National Championship team), and Grant (our supermanager) only”. Thanks to my roommate Amit Inbar’s tendency to spend one hour in the shower and thirty minutes doing hair and make-up before every outing, we were seven minutes late for the first practice. However, if it was any consolation, Amit looked really good!!

All joking aside, the team atmosphere has been quite good for the last week. I’ve done my best to keep the team loose and relaxed by repeating my jokes about college universities whenever I see them. (Example: “Hey guys… do you know why the Tennessee Coach Staff doesn’t get paid?!!! Well its because they’re Volunteers!!!). I’ve used this joke to pretty much every guy on the team and have received generally positive reviews. (Note: if you read this joke 4 times it will get exponentially funnier.)

Now it hasn’t really been stated but my role on the team this week is quite simple. In addition to being prepared to make every person I play very sorry they ever picked up a tennis racquet, as well as not only leading the team warm-up but making it almost as interesting and fun as Anna Kournikova’s workout video or this youtube video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_fCqg92qks), I must be prepared to handle emotional support issues with my friend and band mate Holden Seguso. Popular topics and recent themes we have discussed are Chinese Kung-Fu movies (in particular “Ip Man 2” which is not to be confused with Ironman 2 but is instead a Kung Fu movie which Holden claims is unbelievably good), the amount of hours of reading it takes before you become a proficient reader, good house/electronic music (http://dancingastronaut.com is my source for the flyest electronic music in the galaxy!) and the obvious: “Gladiator” quotes! Since the trip, I’ve attempted to remember all the great lines from this epic movie in order to motivate myself to similar heroic feats! “Strength and Honor,” “On my signal… unleash hell!” and basically the entire movie has been quoted between Holden, myself, and Maximus (our basketball expert and French Russell Crowe). (Insider movie tip: This said, I’ve heard that Gladiator #2 aka “Robin Hood” is not that great so you should save your money and watch it online or just go see “Ip Man 2” which is currently showing in Australia only (as well as online. Courtesy Holden Seguso).

Today, we practiced for a couple hours at a park and then went to the main site to support the UCLA Women’s Team who were playing Duke. The girls lost the doubles point and barely lost the singles 4-2. While it is obviously a disappointing loss to end their really good season, they still competed very hard. It was very fun to witness the environment and everyone was really excited about the prospect of competing against a very capable and dangerous Stanford team.

Several fascinating points have come up through the course of the day, which I need to mention to the Bruin Nation!

  1. Holden and Carling Seguso have a little sister named Lennon Shy, who came to support her older brother and sister at the tender age of about 63 days old. She’s really pretty but I’m not sure she’ll remember me. However, given this amount of devotion and level of commitment she is exhibiting at such a young age, she will surely be the best sister/friend/other to any person she meets when she grows slightly older.
  2. Max doesn’t have a girlfriend…. yet!
  3. The Alaskan King Crab was mentioned 16 times at dinner. (this is an inside joke)
  4. I will reveal my favorite television show in my next blog! (its worth it I promise!)

All this after our pac-10 show down with the Card tomorrow.

Shout out to the Notre Dame Women’s Tennis Team who looked really good today. I’m serious. They looked great.

Go Bruins!

Peace to all.

-Kallim

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2 Comments on “EXCLUSIVE: Guest post with Kallim “The Dream” Stewart”

  1. Emily Says:

    I must say, this was a great read and very hilarious. I thoroughly enjoyed it! Props to Kallim for writing this and props to you, Barry, for posting it!

    P.S. You should have every player write a guest blog 😉 If they can, that is! Good luck to you guys tomorrow! GO BRUINS!

  2. Matt Brooklyn Says:

    kallim the dream!!! You are a legend and this was a great read! well done sir.


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